


A moment alone (together)

by Multifandom_damnation



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Aftermath of Possession, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Brotherly Affection, Domestic Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood, Dreams and Nightmares, Gen, Good Parabatai Jace Wayland, Guilt, Hurt Alec Lightwood, Jace Wayland Needs A Hug, Jace Wayland is a Herondale, Literal Sleeping Together, Memories, Mental Health Issues, Near Death Experiences, Parabatai Bond, Past Violence, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Protective Magnus Bane, Psychological Trauma, Self-Doubt, Self-Hatred, Sleep Deprivation, Sleeptalking, Supportive Magnus Bane, Unresolved Emotional Tension, and influenced from the promo, set just before 3x11
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-30
Updated: 2018-11-30
Packaged: 2019-09-02 16:19:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,262
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16790422
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Multifandom_damnation/pseuds/Multifandom_damnation
Summary: When Jace closes his eyes, all he sees is the pain and destruction Lillith's demon forced him to dish out friends and family and mundanes alike. It haunts him so severely that he's losing sleep, and the time trapped in his own mind killing a million Clary's a day made him into a broken man.Alec, licking his own wounds and sleeping off his own pain with the help of his loving boyfriend, is here to fix that, if it's the last thing he ever does.





	A moment alone (together)

Seated on the edge of the bed with his toes clad in a pair of Magnus' brightly coloured socks and smothered in an oversized grey jumper with moth holes in the sleeves, Jace gently stroked his hand through Alec's hair and down his face as he slept peacefully in the bed he shared with Magnus, with its gold silken sheets and it's feathered pillows that are covered in makeup and glitter, regardless of which side Magnus actually slept on.  
  
For the first time in what felt like a long time, Jace knew that his actions were his own and knew that there was no outside influence forcing him to do anything. For so long, Jace was stuck in the background of his own mind, made to watch through a tiny hypothetical window at all the pain and suffering Lillith forced him to deal out and endured the long-suffering days of shoving a blade through Clary's chest.  
  
But Magnus had freed him from Lillith's grasp and purged the demon from his body- almost too late. Jace still remembered the agony of fighting Alec in that street, hearing him scream as Jace snapped his wrist, shoving his own arrow through his heart. And though it all, Jace was screaming, begging for Alec's life and if it wasn't for Magnus coming when he did, Jace was positive that Alec would be dead.  
  
But here he was- Alec was alive and breathing under him, his chest rising and falling in that pattern he was so familiar with, soft snores reaching Jace's ears as his parabartai slept on. There was still a bandage on his chest from where the arrow had pierced flesh and through many layers of muscle and his wrist was wrapped in a bandage to keep the break stable. His face was spotted with dark bruises and cuts and Jace passed the back of his hand gently over the lumps that had formed under the skin.  
  
It had been a week since that terrible moment- since Jace woke up to find himself completely in control of his own body as he ran to Alec's side faced with the possibility that his parabatai would die by his hand. Magnus had traded his magic to save Jace from Lillith and Alec had almost traded his life to give Jace the escape he had been begging for.  
  
Despite Magnus no longer having his powers and Jace never wanting to leave Alec's side again, Jace had insisted that once the Silent Brothers declared Alec to no longer be in danger of death that he recover at Magnus' loft, where he would be happy and comfortable and relaxed in his recovery.   
  
Under him, Alec stirred as Magnus walked into the room with a tray of tea and scones balanced precariously in his arms. "Ah, still asleep I see."  
  
"Yeah, he must be pretty tired." Jace gently pushed a strand of ebony hair that had fallen down into Alec's face back where it belonged. "I haven't seen him sleep this much since we were teenagers and he got hit by a Shax demon."  
  
"Well," Magnus sat in the large, red leather chair at the end of the bed and folded his hands together once he had placed the tray of steaming tea and baked goods onto the small end table. "He has been driving himself crazy looking for you. Hardly slept a wink until he got you back. He's been... quite worried. We all were."  
  
Sighing, Jace slid his hand down and rested it on Alec's chest, feeling peace at the gentle thrum of Alec's heart under his palm. "I hope it was worth it. If I had just been better, been stronger, then this might never have happened."  
  
"Now don't you start with that," Magnus's glared and Jace resisted the urge to flinch away. "I've spent too long talking Alexander out of that exact line of thinking and if you assume for a second that I'm going to let you do the same, you are sorely mistaken. Lillith possessing you was not your fault. The same way Lillith taking you once we had just freed you was not Alec's fault. Stop shouldering the blame for something you had no say in."  
  
Jace knew he was right, but couldn't bear to voice the sentiments aloud. "Well, I at least shouldn't have asked him and Isabelle to kill me."  
  
"Well, yes." Magnus picked up a scone. "That was a tad extreme."  
  
"That's why he confronted me that night, wasn't it?" Jace had returned to absently stoking Alec's hair. "He felt bad for not doing it when I asked so he tried to fix it?"  
  
"He made you a promise he couldn't keep." Magnus took a sip of his tea and looked at Alec with such love that Jace felt a flutter in his chest at the knowledge that Alec finally had what he always wanted. "Lillith attacked me before we got you out completely and she took you before the others had even woken up. Alec was... quite distraught." His voice lowered even more than it already was. "You know how he feels about his promises. And how terrible he feels about breaking them."   
  
Running his thumb over a cut on Alec's cheekbone, Jace longed to draw another Iratze over his skin but knew it would do no more good. "I know. I don't blame him for breaking that promise, I wasn't sure he could keep it."  
  
Smiling serenely, Magnus clutched his tea close to his face. "Now you understand where Alec is coming from." Jace had a distinct feeling that he had been played. "Maybe consider that the next time you apologise for something Alec already feels guilty for." While his words were stern, Magnus's tone was gentle and kind and Jace felt immediately at ease.  
  
On the bed, buried beneath many layers of intricate silken sheets, Alec frowned and dug his face deeper into the soft cushions. Smiling softly, Magnus collected his tea and plucked a biscuit from the tray before standing. He rested a hand gently on Alec's leg before he straightened upright and turned towards the door. "I'll leave you two be. Shout if you need anything."   
  
The door clicked shut behind him just as Jace felt the overwhelming emotions flash through their bond- so strong that it felt like it was coming from Jace himself. Anguish, fear, panic, pain, horror, urgency, despair. Jace could feel all of Alec's desperation that he felt all those days while Jace was possessed and as he watched, Alec's face twitched and he grimaced in his sleep, muttering painfully and groaning under his breath. Jace was sure he had heard his name. Gently, Jace reached a hand down and gripped Alec's shoulder. "Hey man, wake up."   
  
Slowly, Alec blinked his eyes open and squinted up at Jace. He looked slightly on guard and Jace felt a pang of pain. "Hey," Alec whispered, his voice sleep thick. "Is it you?"  
  
"Yeah man, it's me," Jace reassured with a smile and a squeeze of his shoulder. "It's all me."  
  
Like a switch being flipped, all the stiffness fled Alec's body and he relaxed against the cushions, snaking his hand up his body to grip Jace's hand. "You have no idea how glad I am to have you back" he glanced up at Jace and winced past the sunlight streaming in through the open window that forced its way past the red velvet curtains. He reached a free hand up to Jace's face and placed a finger against his lips. "Soon, I'm going to make that smile a genuine one."  
  
Laughing, Jace placed a gentle kiss to Alec's fingers and gripped them in the hand currently resting on Alec's chest. It looked like it would be an uncomfortable position but Alec didn't seem to mind. "Thank you... for saving me. For believing in me when I no longer did."  
  
"Don't be stupid, I was always going to come back for you." Alec's voice was soft. "Did you doubt that? Not freeing you was never in the cards for me, Jace."  
  
It pained Alec to see his once bright and vibrant brother made of flame and gold and iron be reduced to a smoke and mirror image of his old self, shoulders hunched to make himself smaller, eyes ferocious with fear, skin too pale for his own good, much thinner than Alec had last seen him and with a fake smile that couldn't quite meet his eyes. Alec felt like a small part of himself was being ripped away at the sight.  
  
"Well, you know me." Jace joked. "Always the pessimist."  
  
"I thought I was supposed to be the pessimist and you're the optimist?" Alec argued.  
  
"Then I suppose we're in big trouble," Jace said, looking down at Alec who gazed up at Jace like Jace was the most important thing in his world, the only light in his dark. Jace knew that wasn't a position he deserved and knew that he'd have to apologize later to Magnus for wrongfully stealing his position. "I'm not feeling too optimistic at the moment. And you seem too happy to be your normal pessimistic self."  
  
Sighing, Alec ran a hand down Jace's cheek and down to his chin. "You're going to get better. That's a promise I can keep. And well..." he looked up into Jace's eyes and then to the door Magnus had exited and smiled. "I have you back. I have everything I could ever want."  
  
With shaking hands, Jace gently ran his fingers over the bloody bandages covering Alec's heart, the tape peeling up at the sides as it lost its adhesive and the blood spreading into an impossible pattern. Jace could still remember what it felt like to plunge the arrow through Alec's flesh, remembered the resistance Alec gave even with a broken wrist as Jace looked down at him with hatred yet instead of blaming Jace, he forgave him for something he hadn't even done yet. "I can't believe I did that to you," Jace whispered, running his finger around the edge of the bandage. "How can you still look at me after I almost killed you?"  
  
"After all this time you're still a fool," Alec muttered fondly and Jace pouted down at him comically. "Because you're my closet friend, Jace. My brother. My parabatai. Nothing you could do would ever make me look at you any differently."  
  
"You were singing a different tune back when Clary first joined." Jace pointed out, lifting the tray that Magnus had left and offered Alec a biscuit, which he gladly took. "You couldn't stand her, couldn't wait to get rid of her."  
  
"Still can't," Alec said through a mouthful of baked goods but there was no heat and Jace knew he was joking. His face turned serious once he swallowed his chunk of Anzac biscuit. "Our bond was so weak then, the weakest it's ever been. All over some girl, you ran into at the club."  
  
"Well, what can I say? Girls can't resist me."  
  
"And you can't seem to keep it in your pants long enough to decide what you want to do with them."  
  
Jace snagged his own biscuit from the tray and placed the silver dish down on the bedside table. "Shut up."  
  
Sighing out a laugh, Alec looked up into Jace's face as he worked on methodically chewing his chosen biscuit and took in the dark and puffy half-moons under his eyes, his gaunt and pale face, chapped lips and flaky skin, droopy eyelids and darting eyes. "Jace," Alec said kindly, placing his free hand onto Jace's knee. "When was the last time you got a full nights rest?"  
  
Gulping down the last of his mouthful as if it was filled with glass shards that cut him on the way down, Jace looked down at the bedspread and the crumbs they were currently covering it in. "I uh... I haven't. Not yet. Not since I came back." He ran a shaky hand through his hair and hell, how didn't Alec notice that Jace was shivering like he was cold dispute the room being abnormal warm? "Honestly, I haven't since we came back from Lake Lyn," Jace admitted, not meeting Alec's worried eyes.  
  
Gently, Alec ran his fingers over the back of the hand gently covering the arrow wound by his heart. "Well, that's not good Jace, and you know it." There was no use pointing out the obvious but Alec couldn't help it, not when he was looking at the lost look on his brothers face. "Any... particular reason or...?" Alec also knew the reasons, but he knew it was better to let Jace talk about it on his own.  
  
"I've felt different since I died at Lake Ly,." Jace said, his eyes focused on the gentle pattern Alec's fingers were rubbing over the back of his hand. "Empty. Like a cracked vase that was put back together with superglue- whole, but not the same." Jace knew that Alec understood. "When I died... what was it like? For you, I mean."  
  
Alec decided it was better if he answered honestly. "It was like half of my soul was being ripped from my body. I felt like I was the one dying, but I was drowning and on fire at the same time."  
  
"I'm sorry. I never wanted to put you through that." Jace sounded chastised. "I didn't really think about how you would feel. It was over pretty quick for me, stab, bleed out and die. You know how it is. But I never thought about how that might hurt you. I'm so sorry."  
  
"You're forgiven," Alec rolled his eyes. Jace didn't need to be forgiven for anything but Alec knew it would make Jace at ease. "Is there anything else bothering you? Anything on your mind?" It was obvious by the way Jace was worrying at his lip and avoiding Alec's gaze.  
  
Jace sighed and reached a hand up to his lips to bite subconsciously at his thumb. Alec gave him the time to think, reaching over and taking a chocolate chip biscuit from Belgium off the tray to fill the silence. Eventually, Jace took a deep breath and turned his head away so his hair hid his watery eyes. "Alec... every time I close my eyes, I see myself throwing Clary off of that building. I felt satisfaction when she hit the roof of that car. And then when you had me in the cage... the things I said to all of you- to Magnus, to you, to Simon. It makes me sick." Jace hissed and Alec gripped his hand fighter. Finally, Jace turned his eyes to the bed and Alec saw the tears flowing freely down his face. "And then fighting you in that alleyway and almost killing you... god Alec, you would be dead if Magnus hadn't stopped me. You're my best friend Alec, my brother, my parabatai, and I nearly shoved your own arrow through your heart and was actually thrilled to watch you die. I felt glee and the possibility of your death." Jace sobbed, biting his lip to keep any noise in.  
  
"Jace," Alec breathed and pulled Jace close enough that their foreheads were touching, Jace's hair tickling Alec's face and getting stick in the tears that fell from Jace's face onto Alec's. "That wasn't you. None of us blames you for any of that because we know you would never do anything like that to us."  
  
"Maybe you _should_ blame me," Jace whispered with his eyes closed.  
  
Giving in to the temptation and resigning himself to a modicum of pain, Alec grabbed Jace securely by the arm and despite being half dead and broken, flipped Jace over him and onto the other side of the bed with a grunt, pillows and sheets flying into the air for a moment with his landing. Jace, being sleep-deprived and weaker than normal, went without much effort on Alec's part, landing with a yelp on Magnus side of the bed.   
  
When he turned to glare at Alec, his parabartai was hiding a snigger behind his fist. "What was that for?"  
  
"You said you haven't been sleeping." Alec busied himself with striping Jace out of his moth-eaten jumper, removed his belt and tucked him into the soft golden sheets. Alec fluffed the pillow as Jace removed his socks and his black jeans, dumping them over the side of the bed to pool on the floor. "Now's your chance. You know we've always slept best when we're together, ever since we took the oath. If kicking my boyfriend out of the bed for a few hours is what I need to do to make sure you get some sleep, then he can play with his cats for a bit."  
  
Jace seemed to drown in the many pillows bundled around his head and the thick covers he was under. "I wouldn't want to impose..."  
  
"Please." Alec snorted, lifting the tray gingerly off the edge of the bed and moved it onto a nearby chair. "How many times since we were kids have I come into your room when I had a nightmare, or couldn't sleep? I feel like this counts as repayment."  
  
Staring at the door Magnus had exited from, Jace searched desperately for any excuse, despite already feeling his eyes close on their own volition and his body sink into the bed. "What would Magnus think when he finds you in bed with another man? Your parabatai no less."  
  
"He'd be amused," Alec joked back. "Probably take some pictures. Besides, he knows how much I value the rules. He knows I can do better than you."  
  
"Rude." Jace frowned, finally giving in to spending at least a couple of hours in the bed beside his brother. "I'm going to get covered in glitter."  
  
Laughing, Alec threw a pillow onto Jace's face and smirked at the resulting cloud of gold glitter that puffed up like a cloud at the impact. "Maybe you need the sparkle. Maybe it'll stop you from being so moody all the time."  
  
"I am insulted."  
  
"As you should be. I'm insulted that you think being covered in glitter is a bad thing, considering I'm covered in it by proxy every day."  
  
"It clashes with my style." Jace finally let his eyes close fully and felt his tense muscles almost instantly relax. "How did _me_ coming over to check up on _you_ result in _you_ looking after _me_?"  
  
Alex turned onto his side to face Jace and smiled at his brother, his mouth slightly hanging open as his body gave in to exhaustion. "Maybe this is what we both needed. Ever think of that?"  
  
Brow furred slightly, Jace seemed to frown as he thought that possibility over, but ultimately gave up and smiled back at Alec as though he could sense the smile being sent back at him. "Thanks for this Alec."  
  
"Any time, brother."  
  
(And if Magnus came in an hour later with his two favorite cats in his arms to greet the Shadowhunters in his room, only to see them sound asleep, hand in hand- he made no mention of it only to tuck them in tighter and make a mental note to prepare enough lunch for an extra person and thank any deity who would listen that his Alexander had finally found peace within himself and that Jace was finally breaking out of his shell as a new, happier man-  
  
Well. Nobody has to know about what Magnus does when his favourite people are sleeping.)


End file.
